I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
