My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
