shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize