One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
