By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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