if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
