every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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