shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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