just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
