Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
