My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
