If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
