can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
