If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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