Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
