Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
