from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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