i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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