Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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