just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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