she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
