Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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