i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
