I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
