your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
