I don't usually arrange sex via text message
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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