that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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