peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
