So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize