I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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