The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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