What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
