I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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