You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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