It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Randomize
