Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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