I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he was CRYING into my vagina
only you would photoshop your dick
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
