woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
this will be a night to untag.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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