you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
