Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
