Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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