I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
