I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
