I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
