My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
