I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
