how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
