U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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