Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
And then he peed in my hair
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