omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Come on in and take your pants off
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