i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
