There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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