He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
