she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
