Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
