In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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