I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
